Relationships, the Wisdom of the Gnarly Oak
Foreword – I know some of the ID2A blog readers don’t look at the pictures. For this one, please look at the picture prior to reading this blog post. What does the picture “say” to you?
Picture it – I’m an emotionally immature 25-year-old. I’m very recently married, like 3 weeks recently, when the doctor confirms our pregnancy. My heart “drops.” Not only am I dealing with the dramatic life change of marriage, but now a baby – really? Our apartment is adults-only – so, now we’re looking at buying a home. During our first doctor visit, the doctor rushes to the hall and yells to his nurse, “
schedule a population ultrasound!” Now, not only are we having a baby I’m not ready for, now I’m hoping for only ONE! I’m an emotional wreck. I cry for a month. If you know me, it’s hard to picture, as I’m not ordinarily emotional, but I’m an emotional wreck. I TRY to be excited, but I can’t – truth be told, in my gut, I feel my life, the life I wanted, was over. My mind races – miscarriage, abortion, run, divorce. My wife is elated, over the moon. Friends and family are congratulating us, telling me what a great dad I will be and how great parenthood will be. I can’t shake it – the dread – I’m not ready, and this is not what I want.
Time is rushing forward. My wife’s belly is growing, our home is being built – packing, closing, moving, prepping a nursery. The dread – always there. The dread – always there – UNTIL, the baby’s head pops out, and I’m crying again. Not tears of dread this time – tears of honest, sincere, heart-moving JOY. The GREATEST MOMENT of my ENTIRE LIFE!!!! Almost 35 years later, I can remember that moment like it was yesterday. The moment – it WAS life changing – but life changing in a wonderful way. I can’t imagine my life without that baby (and the other 2 that would follow). Sure, my life changed, some for the worse but way more so for the better.
I/we put everything into raising our children – cabin life, travel, coaching, volunteering, sacrificing. Sometimes overwhelming, mostly satisfying. The time went by way too fast – crazy fast – but I’m thankful that they live close, and we are relationally close. I can honestly say, having kids was the highlight of my life, and now, I CAN’T imagine what my life would be like without them.
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With that journey in mind – the journey from dread to joy to adult children – I want to pass along the Wisdom of the Gnarly Oak with regards to relationships. Wisdom, I wish I had early in my marriage, early in my parenting journey. The Wisdom that is at the heart of MY I Dare to Act commitment to MYSELF – a commitment I wish I made years ago, but as C.S. Lewis says, "You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending."
So, what is the WISH and the WISDOM? I sacrificed my wants, my passions, my interests to make time for active parenting. I WISH I held onto ME during our parenting years. If I could do it over again, I would still be deeply involved with my wife and my children; however, I would also make time for ME and my passions and interests.
In the picture of the gnarly oak I see the WISDOM. I see 2 healthy, intertwined branches. Two branches thriving individually AND thriving collectively. I now see the 2 intertwined branches as the metaphor for a healthy and thriving life, marriage, and family.